Payback Works

I'm tired of all these engineering works and improvement works ruining my weekend. Each week I buy my ticket at full whack and face penalty fares if I go out of zone. There's no excuse to travel without a valid ticket, and yet there appears to be every excuse to run a shitty service. Why does this not work the other way around? If my train is cancelled, where's my refund? I think I'm going to start running a new announcement. Ladies and gentlemen, as part of the vanderput financial improvement program, fare evasion will take place on the following lines...

The Church of Derren Brown

In the church I grew up in the pastor used to say that having hairs on the palm of your hand was the first sign of madness. Do you know what the second sign is? he'd then ask. Looking for them. To me, that about sums that place up; fill you with anxiety and then punish you for looking. No wonder dB left.

Do the maths

if... Fear = Religion - God

and... Faith = God - Fear

then... Faith = God - (Religion - God)

so... Faith = -Religion

We seem together now

Before we met the period between first date and sell-by date grew ever shorter. Then we met. She had a clean way of speaking, nicking and clipping her consonants, and I loved her for it. On our first date our lips met, a claim she would later deny, but to this day I remember it happened. We had a rough ride. Choppy seas. A friend once told me, she'll come around. And she did. I was forever grateful. A friend once told me, the fairy tale romance is all about the ending. And it was. A fairy tale that's all in the telling.

Pricecutters

In Hackney they have a 98p store. Not a pound store, or a 99p store, but a 98p store. What kind of a person walks into a 99p store and says, I'm not paying that!

Equal Opportunities

Yesterday I saw a blind man using a disabled toilet. I didn't know they could do that. I mean I guess it makes sense, lack of sight is quite disabling. But does that mean the deaf can do likewise? If anything I'd have thought it was a bit cruel to give the blind access. I mean, really, a disabled toilet is still the same toilet, just in a much larger room. Hence far more difficult to find. But perhaps permission is granted for the benefit of others. The last thing you want when standing up against the wall is a next door neighbour not even sure which way he's facing.

Tapped

The first time I saw him he was fresh, new, giving, you could tell he felt he had a gift and he wanted to give it, and once the applause had died down, if people dropped a few coins in the blue plastic bag, well that was all well and good.

The second time I noticed a new edge that I would have picked up had it been present before. Now he wasn't dancing so much for the feel of the air as for the feel of the fear. He laid on some paranoid patter that skittered between subjects and betrayed the thoughts of a rambling mind. A layer of fine sweat lay on his skin, and as he went next door to repeat the spiel, you could here the pain in his parroting.

Tonight was the last time I ever saw him. No longer concealing his despair, he pleaded for attention and danced the fool without rhythm or reason. His talk was erratic, his whole presence jittery. I don't know whether the audience was wise to his schtick but the applause was confined to a drunken blonde in the corner, disowned immediately by her lover.

Mr Quippy

Its the constant quipping that gets in the way, the set up and punch that's way below the belt. Create a situation, wait for the obvious and crucify it like you're the messiah. For the performer there is no pride to be taken from here. In essence the score is this: Here is a situation I have manufactured a thousand times, all possible results experienced and documented, yet, I shall allow you to have space and time to interject, and when you are foolish enough to do so, I shall crush you like the ignorant you are. How do you feel? Used.

Born Again

As I lose another year, I am still no closer to learning how to balance the craving for humility with the all-consuming desire of ambition. But at least I get a cake.

Nasti

It starts in the queue, as he pairs us off with pointing fingers. I'm assigned to the longest line, and unhappy with my lot I swap. It's not me he picks on but the Pole with the shaved head to my right. Back to your line, the line attendant barks, a shrimp of a man in a luminous yellow vest. Even though it's not me he's talking to, I can feel the shame rising, hot sticky anger spreading through my gut. I stay, the Pole says, his grasp of English on par with the Yellow Jacket. You don't change lines, the Yellow Jacket shrieks, you do what I say! I stay here, our Pole says, his voice planting his feet so firmly he might as well be pouring concrete over his ankles. Move lines, you move lines, the Yellow Jacket is striding over now, you move lines now! The Pole draws himself up, fills his lungs and bellows back, I stay with family, pushing his voice from his gut and stopping Yellow Jacket mid step. The hall is hushed, silenced, all eyes on the badge carrier. He is deflating under the gazes, he is nothing now and he knows it. This is your family? He asks, in hushed tones. Ok, you stay with family, and then like he's been misunderstood this whole time, he barks another order- you don't change lines!

Underpass

We get off the tube, side by side, her dog leading her forward as her eyes stick to the floor. But she's not blind, just downtrodden. This is the woman who waits for me each night, hand out cupped requesting coppers and change hoping this time will be different. This time is not different. It's a thing to see her coming from the underground, like she's commuting at nine fifteen in the evening. Well, everyone's got to come from somewhere I guess.

The Quitters

I’ve broken up
You can tell, can’t you?
I’ve got the look of the broken-hearted
That green, burger king lettuce fresh look
My feet itch
These itchy, twitchy restless feet
Maybe I should take up yoga?
Do we have any committed in tonight?
What about the broken and bittered?
I much prefer you guys,
To stick with it no matter how sick it’s making you
I salute that.
Would you like to know how I left?
Would you like my legal advice?
Here it is:
Don’t think about it.
Dwell not on that pillow to your left
Lying there unrequited
In need of a mint
As the two of you stare spent, face to face in the eiderdown
Don’t think about that
Avoid people who hope
Avoid people who look like they hope
Avoid people who look fool enough to hope
Avoid people.

Putting the IT in BITCH

All I.T. men want to be in Top Gun. Fact. Go into a room and ask to be introduced. As the roll is called you'll witness each and every one of them fight the urge to salute. Especially the Linux guys. In I.T. servers don't break; they go down. On MSN they've all got nicknames like SweatDog, or HangPuppy, they refuse to answer their phones unless they're wearing a headset, and the only reason they don't take showers together is because I.T. guys DON'T take showers. I say we throw them on a volleyball court and see what happens. Although it would have to be an indoor court as the only way to get a techie to a beach is to tell him the sea drive is corrupt.

Ink Blot

As I leave the club the bouncer stamps my hand so hard he almost snaps my bones. Fuck, I say. A year ago I'd have kept this to myself. Tonight I say Fuck. He looks at me with dead eyes blazing. What? he shrugs. I look right back in his eyes, wave my pretty little fingers at him and with a cool, steady voice say, Watch the Talent!

If it wasn't for those pesky kids

Kids change everything. You spend your whole life maturing, developing, gaining insight and understanding to such a zen-like level, that you can almost, almost, pick up an Argos catalogue without wanting anything. And then the little ego monsters arrive. Consume, consume, they use you and consume. Cake, toys, wallpaper, shoes, filing cabinets, novelty teapots, glasses, whatever they lay their little eyes on they want. Nothing sums up a child more than the enjoyment they get from watching fireworks; millions of pounds going up in smoke as tiny little chuckle brothers watch the world burn. As a child I was like this, but so much worse. If we needed a new lawnmower or fridge I'd become obsessed. I'd become the world's greatest knowledge, and nothing but the best was permissible. Who cares if our garden was the size of a flowerbox? We had to get a lawnmower with striping technology or I was going on hunger strike. What a pain in the ass I must have been. I've come a long way since those days. I can almost shop in Morrison's. Let's hope my kids are fast learners.