This is how proud I can be

When I get up at the wrong stop, I still get off the tube.
Then I spend the next three minutes thinking about how proud I can be.

Manners

When a man holds the door for me I just find it patronising.

The Second Date

him: listen to the static, say nothing.
her: note the space between the words, sit tight.
him: fill nothing, wait for the silence, decipher the message it contains.
her: shhh, quiet helps.
him: What to say when there is nothing to say?
her: Be assertive, you dither, you die.
him: it’s all or nothing in those first few words.
her: he is lost, he has failed to capitilise.
him: i want to take you for dinner.
her: suspect those who capitalise.
him: i want to take you for dinner.
her: why? always ask them why. If they pause, eat elsewhere.
him: I want to sit with you and consume.
her: where?
him: don’t hesitate.
her: suspect men who answer too soon.
him: what do you like?
her: italian, too clumsy, spanish, too fishy, indian, too stinky, chinese, too fingery, japanese, too clean-
him: french?
her: french is good. red meat.
him: white wine.
her: a selection of cheeses.
him: the excellent service.
her: something to talk about when you run out of things to say.
him: think of the candles.
her: the forgiveness of candlelight.

him: and when you look in her eyes over flickery flames, and you find yourself falling, or plunging, with nothing to say, unable to stay, but pray and you plot and you scheme for the time when you slide your hand over her knee, or place it in her fingers and clasp and entwine, and let yourself go, and you fall and succumb to your saviour, your female saviour, and you crawl at her feet, and you look at yourself quickly, in your mirror, your bathroom mirror and you say to yourself, she is who i need, to be.

Queueless

I'm three back in a queue and the guy on the cash desk turns to me. Can I help you? he says, inviting me to cut in. I look at him and the line looks to me. Umm, I say, stalling for time, feeling all eyes needling my neck, just this tie please. Sorry, he says, I'm serving someone.

What is a Contemporary Magician?

You'd never spot us. We look no different than your average suited jack in the city. Better tailoring perhaps. A few more pockets. Other than that, indistinguishable. We are the professional socialisers, we go to parties for a living, we are paid to be the life and soul. You might have met us, once or twice. That guy who levitated your finger ring inches before your astonished eyes; that guest that nobody knew who cut the deck of cards with his shadow; that woman who pushed a bottle of wine through a solid table. As quickly as we arrive we vanish, but you’ll never forget what you saw.

I can tell you who we're not. We're not the uncle with the 21 card trick. We're not the guy in the novelty tie from accounts making balloon animals at the office party. We're not the young pricks doing cards tricks on MTV, flourishing on screen, caps turned backwards, sleeves rolled up, patter empty of all connection; 'watch', 'look', 'I'll try something'; try entertaining. We do not read minds; we do not pretend to read minds. And remember, we do NOT do children's parties.

I’m not sure how much longer we’ll be around. Sometimes it feels like the more we refuse to go on X Factor, the more irrelevant we become. Magic is all around us these days. in the comfort of my own home I wave a wand of many buttons and light up the TV. I approach a door at the supermarket and at the touch of my shadow it slides open. No one remarks on those everyday wonders. Yet on Saturday night, in a darkened bar in a slickened Soho, I find the four of clubs and they scream. So perhaps there’s still hope.

Live Long

I drank nothing but mineral water for three days. I felt a bit weird after, you know, all full of calciums and potassiums. So I went to the doctor. Turns out I have evian bird flu.

Voice Male

call me on your phone
call me up and hear me

call me from your home
call me and be near me
today i'm so alone
so call me up and cheer me
and when i hear that tone
i'll start to see things clearly

It's getting hot in here

I just bought my Guinea Pig a new cage. It's a pretty advanced one. It's got an alarm clock, a glass window, central heating and a light so he can read. Hell, when you close the door the little fella even revolves!

Slow Start

My electric toothbrush ran out of battery
I didn't know what to do
Then I remembered that
My arm can move too

Last Words

So just after I blew them away with a card trick this old chick turns to her now 40 year old son and says 'you used to do card tricks when you were a little boy didn't you?' Nowhere to go my friends...

Mild and Green

Today I washed my hair with fairy liquid.
Just putting it out there.

Rope Burns

I'm not quite sure why he's giving me such a hard time. Maybe my first mistake was to try to buy things; rope mainly. Maybe that's not the way he likes to run his business. Sure, I can get the rope from somewhere else, but I always like to get it from this guy. The little guy. Today though, I feel like I should apologise for my presumption. I can order it, he tells me, but you'll have to take your chances. My chances? All I want is that rope in the middle, I tell him, 200 meters of it, bleached. 147b? He sighs and shakes his head. We'll have to see what they send back. I'm still not quite getting this. I try one last time. Can I not just order the rope, bleached, that you order each time? We have the model number! He gives me a sad, patient look that says, son, if only things were that simple.

Parting Gifts Redux

Before he left he gave me five gifts. Then he left. Five gifts one for each sense. He was a shit like that. Before I left I opened them. He gave me perfume. He hated the one I wore; he wanted me to smell like he imagined. I never smelt like he imagined, but he imagined I did. For taste he bought me an interior design catalogue because he said I had none. Arrogance was one of his better qualities. He gave me a photo, so I could remember what he looked like. Every time we were apart I forgot. I could never remember that vanilla face of his. I confused it with someone I used to know. He didn’t like that. The fourth gift was his telephone number, to call in case I wanted to hear his voice. I set fire to that number, even though I knew it off by heart, I set fire to it and listened as it sputtered and crackled. For touch he gave me his shirt, the shirt I slept in when he was away, when I missed him; the shirt he'd wear the next day because it smelt of me, or whatever he imagined. I took those things and put them in the box. I went down to the river. I took the steps down onto the muddy bank, and I floated the box out onto the oily water. It was raining, the water coming up to meet the drops that struck the surface. I stood on the bridge for a while, with the traffic brushing by my side, and watched the box fill with water and slip slowly beneath the darkened surface. Then I let go.

Sellout

Elev-hater

Whenever I'm in my lift
All it does is list my floors

The First Date

her: so you’ve met.
him: the hard part’s over.
her: now the problems begin.
him: did she give you her number? did you give her yours?
her: only take his number if you’re never going to call.
him: it’s a 72 hour wait before you make the call.
her: everyone knows this.
him: the three day cut off.
her: everyone knows this.
him: too soon, too keen, too long, she’s gone.
her: the first move.
him: who makes the phone call?
her: it matters.
him: who takes the phone call?
her: i’m telling you,
him: it matters.
her: take the call or send to voicemail?
him: is she looking at those foreign digits, considering.
her: always take his number.
him: is she expecting this?
her: that way you can avoid the call.
him: catch her off balance, catch her off guard. Catch her rushed, flushed, catch her when she least expects it.
her: always be sure of yourself when you take the call.
him: never leave a message.
her: straighten your hair, position yourself, allow two more rings than necessary.
him: timing is important.
her: timing is everything.
him: late morning, acceptable,
her: early evening, preferable,
him: avoid post lunch slump, and pre-snack grump.
her: put him on the back foot.
him: stay forward.
her: enable call-waiting.
him: hold the high ground.

her: And when you answer the phone when you meant to switch it off and you scramble for that voice, mind spinning as to who this boy is, for what you said to him to make him call so perfectly placed within the 72 hour window, and when your voice slips at his laugh and you make a high pitched squeaking sound because you smoked too long last night and you hold the air tightly in your chest and you look at yourself, quickly, in your mirror, your pocket mirror, and you say to yourself, I am who I wish to be.