Not Mine

Please could you stay awhile to share my grief,
For it's such a lovely day,
To have to always feel this way,
And the time that I will suffer less,
Is when I never have to wake.

How to Impress Your Friends

People are always asking me to teach them a trick, so for once, I thought I'd give it a go. But this is no cheap bar stunt I'm gonna give away. This is a miracle. I'm going to show you how to turn invisible. Ready? Good. First get a family. I know, it sounds weird, but go with it; remember who's the magician here. Next, get a job, not just any job, a good, steady job. Then a car, a house, a mortgage, a couple of kids. Become upstanding. Continue for six to seven years. Now lose everything. Overnight. I don't care how you do it, lose a loved one, cultivate an addiction, whatever, just do it. So now you're a destitute. Have patience. Roam the streets a little, rough it up. Don't shave, don't shower, avoid acts of redemption. Repeat for eight to twelve months. Almost there. Now, get on a tube train. You'll have to jump the gate obviously, so good luck with that, but if you've got this far it shouldn't be a problem. Here comes your big moment. Walk into the carriage, say, 'I'm sorry to bother you ladies and gentlemen but I was wondering anyone could spare a little change for something to eat and maybe a hostel for the evening...' Is anybody looking at you? Can anyone see you? Are you even there? Tada!

Waiting on Genius

Nothing to say.
Nothing to say.
Nothing to say.
Nothing to say.
No-thing to say.
Oh!
wait...
wait...
here it comes...
...
...oh.
No.
Nothing to say.

I'm not finished

You wanna be a careful with a mustache, cos you can start wearing a mustache, but let me tell you, it’s not long before that mustache is wearing you. Whoa, look at that piece of rectangular hair walking down the street! Hey square hair! Nice human on your ass! What I hate is when people call it a soup strainer. Hey, you like my soup strainer? Who needs a soup strainer?? Buy thinner soup.

Mythical

Has anybody watched that show dragon’s den? They’re not dragons. A dragon wouldn’t have the disposable income to go investing in some stupid idea like inflatable soap... have you seen their insurance policies? And since when have dragons lived in dens? Badgers live in dens, otters live in dens, even cub scouts make dens. Dragons live in Lairs! Nothing more scary than a lair. Unless of course it’s a council lair. Brr.

Alex Descends into Stockwell

They have started playing classical music at the tube. They trialled it at Brixton station, and so successful was it at reducing crime, aggression, and unprovoked suspected terrorist shootings, they decided to introduce it everywhere. It's lost on me. If anything it makes the journey downwards seem like a holocaust movie, one of those ones where the descending masses accept their fate with stoical beauty, whilst a soprano sings out in the vanishing daylight. That's not how I want to start my day.

It happened on a bus

e. It's based on a true story.
me. So am I.

Meal Times

I put some soup in the microwave. Three minutes later I hear a beep beep beep. I thought my soup was done, but it was just the microwave reversing.

Joel the funny horse

Joel the Funny Horse woke up blue. The day before everyone had laughed at him and pointed and said ha ha! Look at that funny horse! It wasn't much fun. So when he finally got out of bed that morning, he dressed real slow. Even though he put on his favourite scarf he was still kinda funny looking, and when he caught sight of himself in the hallway mirror, his ears drooped a bit lower and he dropped his head. When he got outside everyone was shouting and running about. Agh! they shouted. They were shouting so much no-one was pointing at him and saying ha ha. So Joel stood for a moment and watched them running around. What’s up? Joel asked. Tony the Spider is trapped in that burning house, someone shouted, and no one can see where he is! But Joel could see exactly where Tony the Spider was. He tried to tell somebody but they were all too busy going agh! And besides, they wouldn’t listen to a funny horse. So instead, Joel went over to Tony’s house and opened the window. Hello Tony, Joel said. Tony just sat in the corner shaking. Tony? Hop on my head. But it’s so high, trembled Tony. C'mon, don't be a scaredy spider! said Joel and wiggled his ears. Tony edged towards the window and stepped gingerly on to Joel’s nose. By this time everyone had stopped running around and started watching, their mouths hanging open like Pete the Goldfish. When Tony touched the ground and burst into tears, everyone cheered and carried Joel around on their shoulders, even though he was pretty heavy. And from that day on, nobody called Joel a funny horse anymore, they called him a Giraffe.

for emelié, both now and to come

If you didn't cry

When a girl says another girl is beautiful, it's a lot like when a comedian says you're funny. If they say it, it ain't true. You'll know it's true when you exit the stage and none of the acts make eye contact. Just like when a pretty girl walks in a room and the beautiful turn their backs.

Useless

I bought some scissors the other day.
Because I needed scissors.
I couldn't get into the packaging.
Because I needed scissors.

Preparation Time

Why are they always counting stock in the buffet car? All they do on train journeys is count stock. Yet when they open for business, in that brief window between Reading and Slough, there's never more than four sandwiches and a diet coke.

Crash

Today I generated the following error message
Word cannot insert a file into itself
I don't know what it means but I'm sorry

Bon Fire

I'm walking by the river when I hear them countdown to the fireworks. It's dark, cold, my breath fogs, my hands dig in my pockets, my collar is up. Ten, nine, eight... I don't even turn round, I just keep walking; I am the entertainer, and never the entertained. Hundreds of thousands of pounds going up in smoke, in flaming smoke, in sparkly clouds of affluence, whilst around me beggars ask to spare any change. I don't look round, I just keep walking. I am the entertainer, never the entertained.

Expectancy

In a Somerfield yesterday there was a sign for a 'Bag for Life'.
Lasts up to 25 times longer than a plastic bag, it promised.
That's still a pretty shit life.